The begining of everything.

It was a winter day in Southern California the day I met Matthew. I had been casually seeing his friend at the time and he wanted me to meet his friends. I couldn’t tell anything about that day but I remember Matthew towering over me with those green/blue eyes and that impish smile that to this day still melts my heart. A razor sharp wit I would never forget. I wouldn’t say I believe in soul mates or love at first sight. I know now that in that very moment something happen between us that changed everything. He and I found each other very attractive but never said a word to each other. Under the assumption that we were just not each other’s type.
I began to date his friend more seriously and he began to date someone as well. We were content in our relationships and had forgotten all about the momentary what if that fateful day. It wasn’t until well into our marriage that I realized we had been having an emotional affair the whole time. That man teased me every day before math, and I came back over and over again knowing he’d piss me off. But he pushed me caused me to think, and secretly I liked that. His girlfriend being home schooled and my boyfriend in college, we were usually with our small group of friends without them. By the end of softmore year we were dear friends. We enjoyed being around each other. We could laugh and be silly but we also shared our deepest feelings and fears. We came to each other with the things we should been talking to our boyfriend and girlfriend about. I recall friends making mention to our closeness. Some pointed out at times that it might have been inappropriate. Asking me point blank if I didn’t like him why were we flirting. I called Matt over and we both just laughed, the idea that we even thought of each other in that way was comical. He was my best friend; we were just very close, nothing more. There was a line we never crossed with each other, never once. It makes me wonder now if we had been physically as close as we were emotionally, would we of realized we had feelings for each other.
The year that followed, things began to change. My relationship was slowly falling apart. His was pretty much over before it began. And he had to watch from the sidelines as I was played for a fool by my boyfriend. My ex was in college he wasn’t around much and didn’t realize how close we became. Matthew was walking a very thin line between the two of us. How much did he tell me of what he knew how he should hold back. After all this was his best friend, but I’d became his best friend as well. I recall one time after a guy’s trip Trevor came back telling me how much he missed me and loved me. Matthew called me fully expecting me to be in tears. What I didn’t know and he was about to tell me, was that Trevor had spent the whole of the trip complaining about me and how we weren’t goanna work out. That he was thinking about breaking up with me. Matthew told me he had to talk to me and came over as soon as he could. I saw him and I knew something was very wrong. He struggled to tell me. He wanted to make sure that I understood he normally wouldn’t get involved, and feared I’d take it as him trying to cause an issue. Matthew didn’t want to see me get hurt, he was protective of me. That conversation opened my eyes. I couldn’t betray his trust. I wouldn’t tell Trevor what he told me. But I wasn’t ready to give up on Trevor just yet; I thought I could fix it.

Things stared to get uncomfortable for us. Every time we got to close we started to pull away, and things were changing so fast and all we could do was sit there and watch as it did. Some times I wonder if the reason we began to pull away is some where deep inside we were starting to realize what others had seen all along. I never really cared what anyone thought, but boy did I care what he thought. If I disappointed him I was crushed. He was a force of nature that came into my life, and would not be ignored. And for the first time I was starting to see that. And I didn’t like that. I was 17 and to young to really understand what was going on. But we started to realize that our closeness was wrong. We were both struggling with our relationships and were hurting at lot. We’d try to stay apart but one of us would eventually give in and things at least for a little bit returned to those early days. We were leaning on each other to escape the reality of our lives. With each other we were safe and weren’t expected to be anything other then ourselves.
Shortly before Christmas We both attended a party once again both dateless. At some point we ended up playing truth or dare. It started innocent enough. But let’s remember we’re teenagers. At one point Matthew and I were dared to kiss. Everyone there knew we had been in relationships with other people for years. It was a sure fire bet we wouldn’t do it. Yeah, because we backed down from any challenge, I mean come on now. We exchanged looks to make sure the other was okay with it. I closed my eyes leaned in and puckered up for a quick peck. Matt had other plans. if he was gonna kiss me. He was GONNA kiss me. It was a dare after all and he was not one to ever do anything half ass. His lips touched mine and I melted into that kiss. It was only a few moments, a chased kiss. My eyes flew open; I was shocked he actually kissed me. He just smirked, his eyes twinkled. I don’t know what he got more of a kick out of. Shocking everyone else or shocking me. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like it, that there wasn’t a spark between us in that moment. That to this day I can still feel the softness of that kiss. It was months into our relationship till we’d kiss again. I didn’t know what to think. There was something in that kiss, but I wasn’t ready or willing to admit it at that point. It wasn’t till we were taking Mike home that the gravity of what we had done hit us, we were both holding our breath; we had to talk about it. But we had to get Mike home first. I don’t think I stared at the dashboard of his VW bug harder then I did that night. We were loyal and our integrity was one thing we prided ourselves on, and there we were tossing all of that out of the window over a stupid dare. It was wrong and we shouldn’t have done it. Why the fuck would we do something so stupid, why. And oh my god what we’re we going to do if Trevor ever found out. It was a sure bet that Amy wouldn’t. For two weeks Matt refused to talk to me, and absolutely would not talk about that kiss. We crossed a line we never should of. The kiss meant nothing at all to either one of us. But the guilt ate at us like nothing else.

We didn’t see each other again till my boyfriend’s birthday party. To say it was slightly awkward would be an understatement. Here we were with the people we’d been dating for years, and shared this secret that would break both of their hearts. It was a childish dare, but we were well aware that others would not see it that way. Even with all that was at risk we were still being a bit more friendly then we should been. We hadn’t seen each other in weeks and frankly we missed each other. Thanks to a simple miss wording by the one other person that could possibly know what happen, nearly brought to light that little indiscretion. Part of me kind of wished it had. The world stop, my eyes went wide I am pretty sure I lost all color, Matthew nearly knocked his girlfriend over he turned around so fast. Poor Will nearly got jumped in the line for the go carts. Which could of caused a blood bath had the others actually caught on. And I think that’s when others seemed to notice something was slightly amiss. Well everyone but the two people that it actually would of affected. I remember the look on David and Christoph’s faces, as Will did his dammest to back peddle. My heart was in my throat. Trevor would of tried to kill him right then and there. At one point during the day, the men had left us girls to our own devices. Aka ditch me with two girls I didn’t know very well and at that point didn’t like me at all. There was a ring on her finger and I actually got mad about it. No I was pissed. Turn out to be some kind of promise ring (This was when it was very popular to have a ring to signify you’re saving yourself for marriage). And even after she explained to me what the ring was. Hearing her go on and on about how she loved him and how happy she was, my blood was boiling. He didn’t belong with her. I knew the truth, he was miserable and wanted more from the relationship then she was willing to give. To this day the two of them have no idea what had happen between us that Christmas. For the first time I understood how much it had to of hurt Matthew to see me be treated the same way by Trevor and my refusal to heed his warnings. They girls would have to leave soon after, I remember her being reluctant to leave and Matt getting more and more annoyed.
I took the time to grab Will by the arm and we took a little walk, we needed to talk about the whole go cart thing. I had to get him away from the group. Matthew wasn’t too far behind us; he knew exactly why I pulled will away. I can’t imagine how much that might of hurt Amy. He basically blew her off to go running after his friend and me. Guess who didn’t actually know what had happen. Well he did now he just looked between the two of us giving us that what the fuck would you do that for look. I am sure I threaten to kill him if he ever told anyone, and he knowing how Trevor would react knew now that he was also at risk of being very hurt if he were to find out. The other guys caught up to us wondering what we were talking about and we all played it off as best we could at the time. He was now parts of the biggest secrete we had ever kept from anyone.
Shortly after that both of our relationships ended. Not on our part. We both were dumped for not being mature enough. But at least we had each other to make it a bit easier to deal with. My break up with Trevor was far more complicated then I wish it had been. I tried desperately to repair it. I don’t even know why. Maybe it was the guilt that I some how caused it because of that kiss. Trevor had offered to still take me to the prom seeing as I had already paid for it and had my dress, but finals were coming up and he realized that he needed to focus on them. He offered up the idea of going with Matt. I think now he said this because he believe Matt was safe. And he’d still have that hold over me he had for years. It’s hard to look at this and understand from the outside how very unaware Matthew and I were of the feelings we had for each other. Even then after all that had happen over the years that lead up to this point there was nothing, at least to us, between us. So I figured eh what the hell going with Matt could be fun. I had mike my “brother” ask him if he’d say no if I asked. Last thing I needed at that point was another let down. Part of what I love about Matthew is what an asshole he can be some times. He made it clear that if I wanted him to come with me I would have to ask him myself. I stood there on his porch waiting on him to answer the door and he answered the door in his swim trunks. I was dumb struck. He looked so good. For the first time in 3 years I actually allowed myself to see him the way I did the first time we met. Of course now I was nervous and distracted. I turned three shades of red. I begged him not to make me ask him. But he was stead fast that I had to ask him. He always seemed to get some sick amusement out of forcing me to step out of my comfort zone. He is one of the few people who really knew and knows the real me. After letting me sweat a bit he finally agreed to take me to the prom. He had ever intention of saying yes, but he was going to make me work for it. Neither one of us had particularly positive experiences with proms. It was a chance for us to go and just have a good time with our friends. After everything we had both been through the past three years, both of us had no want or need to be in an relationship. We were both just so done with the whole notion of love and dating There was no way either one of us could ever see what was about to happen. The simple act of asking him to the prom would change our lives forever. We burned a bridge and there was no looking back. The weeks that lead to that dance we became inseparable. It was the first time since we met we were just us. There was nothing but us. We just naturally fell in step with each other like it had always been that way and yet we were still very unaware of what was happening.
The dance brought to light the feelings that were building or at least coming to the surface. My brother’s date had pulled me aside to ask me if it was okay if she asked Matthew out on a date. Her intention was never to date him, but to wake me up. I can’t believe how quickly the word no came from my lips, and the smile that broke across hers. She urged me to tell him how I felt and I said I would think about it. We were so bless and still are to have such caring friends whom would risk being decked to insure we were happy. The night was wonderful, perhaps the best I’d ever had in a long time. I always knew he cared for me, and I cared for him. But I’d spend years in a relationship were I was treated as an afterthought most of the time. And here he was trying everything in his power to make sure I had a good time. Every slow dance we inched ever closer to each other. For all our courage and ego this simple act was the hardest thing either one of us had to do. Fear was ever present in those early days. Eventually I worked up the nerve to put my head on his shoulder and I vaguely remember one of our friends saying “finally”. We’d of always had distance, and walls. Nothing was there now… and we were left washed in emotions we’d never allowed ourselves to feel. But there I was in his arms my head on his shoulder overwhelmed but the sensation of him holding me so close, my heart was pounding so was his. When you spend years ignoring emotions finally allowing yourself to feel them was the strangest sensation in the world. I was overjoyed but so very confused and scared out of my god dammed mind. Driving home from that dance, everyone else had fallen asleep in the back of the car leaving Matthew and I to ourselves once again. Processing what had just happen. We danced around the subject the whole way home. I was brave but I wasn’t that brave. Always testing the waters before finally spitting out what I wanted to say. I am not sure what I said to him only that I admitted I was starting to fall for him. I was so scared that I was the only one that was feeling the way I was. Telling him how I feel was a very big risk. If he didn’t feel the same I would of lost my best friend. But I had to tell him how I felt before he left. I’d always been honest with him, he had to know.
A week went by and we were spending all our time together. My ex had decided to pay me a visit one of the evenings Matthew and I had been spending in the driveway talking about god knows what. Nothing important I am sure. Mostly I think Matthew was working up the nerve to tell me how he felt. There we were perfect summer evening, he was holding my hands in his and looking deep into my eyes. He told me I was the first thought he had in the morning and the last thing he thought about at night. Then like something out of a nightmare we heard the all too familiar sound of Trevor’s truck. I have no idea how much he actually saw of what happen. But here is the thing. When you’ve spend so long in denial, It’s hard to break the habit of feeling that this is wrong. It was almost as if we were ashamed, when there wasn’t anything to be ashamed of. We had done nothing wrong. But it was very clear that he had just figured out what he had done. The very person he thought was “safe” turned out to be not so safe. The ex always though he could just keep on coming back and I’d take him back. He handed me a rose knowing he wasn’t welcome and walked off. Leaving Matthew and I slacked jawed. It’s odd now to think about it. But much the same thing had happen a year later with his ex girlfriend. Did they both think so little of us that we’d be left pining for them, until they deemed us worthy enough to come back to? Was that why we always felt not good enough for each other? A few days later I had a call from Matthew telling me you’ll never believe what just happen. I had been there the other day and had borrowed a shirt of his, so when my ex showed up at his door he grabs that very shirt not thinking. My ex had shown up there under the guise of giving Matthew permission to date me, as if he had a choice in the matter if we dated or not. I use to wear perfume everyday. So as he’s trying to lay out the sob story to Matthew he mentions how it’s almost like he could still smell my perfume. Matthew realized that he could smell it too. Why could he of… and then it dawned on him, he was wearing a shirt covered in my perfume. Please god don’t let him figure this out and let me get out of this truck alive.
I was livid, he had no right to do that, I didn’t belong to him, how he dare interject himself into my life after he choose to walk away from it. But I suppose I should thank him. The anger we both felt showed us how much we really wanted to be together. The fact that what happen between could have very real and serious repercussions was not lost on us. We weren’t quiet sure what we were at that point. We’d move pass just being friends, to something more. It was very confusing and new and we took things so painfully slow, for fear of it all crashing down around us. It was 6 months between we were dump and when we started to realize we had feeling for each other and it took another 2 months for us to define our relationship.

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