Writing prompt : “You ruined me… I plan on returning the favor”

                             ” Eric Maza for your   crimes..” The doors closed behind Jessica and Anthony cutting off their access to the proceedings.  He helped her with her coat and led her down the hallway to the small courtyard. The tension between the two was visible for the first time all night.  In the privacy of the courtyard he let go of her arm, without a word moving away from here settling against the archway.  She rubbed her face in utter frustration.

                      “Is this what we are gonna do now? We were engaged once, remember?” She huffed at him.

                     ” We were, but you… “

                      “You were gone, Let me remind you of that.” She was far less calm then she would normally be.  The fact of this was not lost on Anthony.  She crossed the distance between them in a matter of seconds.  “I did what I was ordered to do, in your absence, to regain control of your chantry.”  Her anger and disappointment bled from every word that escaped her lips.

                       “You didn’t have to do it so well my dear”  Until the proceeding Anthony had no idea how much she suffered at the hands of Eric.  For the first time he let himself just look at her and remember the woman he loved.  He realized she had hidden it all from him because she had to.  She gingerly took his hand, expecting him to pull away.

                          ” Anthony, I love you.  I am well aware of the hurt I caused you, and I can’t make it right.  One day maybe you will forgive me?”  their eyes met

                        ” Jessica…”   A man entered from the hallway.

                       ” Ms. Blackrose, your presence is needed. Regent Bishop you’re free to go.”   Anthony watched as she walked away.  He was gravely concern of what was waiting for her.

                     Eric and the council were waiting in the room.

                  ” Ms Blackrose, the council would like to extend their gratitude and deepest appreciation for you integrity and diligent work   that has led us here today. We recognize the personal cost you have endured to ensure the conviction of Mr. Maza.  Because of this we assign you the position of Astor with all the rights and responsibilities effective immediately”  the room fell silent broken only by the gasp of Eric. As he realized he would not leave this room alive.   The elders filed out, each offering their congratulations, the doors closed behind her leaving just the two of them.  His eyes darted around the room looking for anyway to escape. Her lips twisted in to a devilish smile walking towards him. Amused as she watched him struggle against the wards put in place to hold him there.  Straddling his lap she leaned in whispering in his ear.

                    ” I killed her you know, night before last.” The sweet aroma of his wife’s perfume surrounded him.   ” I took great pains to treat her exactly as you have treated me.  It was only fair.  She died believing you no longer loved her.” she pushed the hair from his eyes ” It’s hard to say what killed her first. The heart break or the sunrise.”  she stood up palming him in the chest knocking him to the ground chair and all.

                        “It’s ironic, don’t you think.  I became the very thing you tried to pass your whore lackeys off as…. Oh and before I forget”  She produced a small pouch and tossed on his chest, dust spilling from it covering him a ring fell to the ground beside him.  He cried out in terror echoing thru the room and spilled out into the hallway.  ” I thought the two of you would like to be together in your final moments.  I couldn’t imagine knowing your about the die alone and cold.  What a horrific way to go.  Could you?  Of course not that would just just criminal.”  Electricity arched off her body as she turned away from him. a lighting bolt flashed between his legs, another one just above his head.

                              ” You took everything away from me!  you imprisoned my and left me to die you sick fuck.  You of all people knew how much a suffered and used it against me. And for what, so you could play king for the day.  So you could have what Anthony had.  you would never be him, you could never be him.  And now there is nothing left of what we all built.  Your selfishness and  need to be the center of attention destroyed it all. ”  she turned from him the room fell silent.  “But what I can’t forgive.  You took Anthony from me. consider this returning the favor.” fire flew from her hands, engulfing him in flames.  “you will die known as a trader and you’ll will be remembered for worthless piece of shit you are.”

                        She picked up her coat and walked out of the room. closing the doors behind her she fell to her knees, tears streaming down her face as she attempted to collect herself. the sounds of his agony would be forever etched in her memory.  She didn’t notice Anthony till he reached out his hand to her.

                       ” come with me, you shouldn’t be alone tonight” he pleaded. She took his hand allowing him to help her up,collapsing into his arms. He helped her to the waiting car.  She didn’t say a word just laid in his lap as he stroked her hair.  In the morning she was gone leaving just a simple note.

                                 ” I’m sorry”

“Jealous much”

This is what I was told when I expressed my dismay over the current winner’s weight on ” the biggest Loser.”   Usually I wouldn’t blog about these things.  but it struck a cord.  It’s no secret that I have been and still am overweight.   Something I’ve been working on for the past few years.   Not understanding in the beginning that there were things stopping me from loosing weight.  Medical issues I had no control over and a injury that had me laid up for a better part of a year.  But I still plugged along. Because I knew that the habits were more important then what the scale was showing me at the time.    One my body began to heal and even out the weight started to come off.  I’ve lost about 20 lbs since May.   Exactly when I started taking iron and Vit D, to correct my unbelievably low amounts of both.  Since I was already eating right and doing what I could exercise wise the weight came off.  I went from a size 16 to a size 10 in a matter of months.   And I’ll be honest I’ve put on about 5 lbs since I had surgery. Cause  Sitting on your butt doing nothing at all will do that to you, Especially when you’re eating like you were working out.

But I can not and will not support shows like the biggest loser.  They represent everything that is wrong with today’s world, when it comes to weight loss and dieting.  ( hate the word dieting).  The current winner lost 150 lbs over 5 months.  There is nothing on gods green earth that could convince me this is healthy or normal in anyway.  And yet it’s celebrated like it’s something wonderful.  Five months of obsessing about weight and working out, this isn’t normal, this isn’t healthy.  It’s certainly not real life.   I don’t know about you but I don’t have some one following me around telling me exactly how to eat and when to eat.  I sure as hell don’t have the time to do nothing but work out for 5 months with no distractions.  No doctor on call to analyze everything I am doing and what I am putting into my body.  Or for that matter treat the injuries that might result from pushing to hard.   There is no 250,000 dollar grand prize at the end when I reach my goal.  There is just me and my choices I make to make my life better.   We can’t reach those goals because it’s not real.    That’s not how it works in real life.  We have to carve out the time to work out.. take the time to prep and make meal plans that fit our needs.   We have to be our own coach, doctor, nutritionist.  ( Though these things are available most of us don’t have the time or money for them.)   We have to figure out what works and what doesn’t work for our bodies.

It pains me to watch other people do these stupid things to their bodies.   Starting a work out regiment that couldn’t possibly be maintain.  Eating like a rabbit in hopes of getting that weight off.   Drinking crap like diet soda, even though it’s been proven time and time again how horrible it is for you, same goes for every fat free, fake sugar, fake butter, thing out there.    I eat Paleo, for no other reason than it’s what works best for my body.  My body hates bread, HATES IT,  and lets me know in some very disgusting ways.   About the only time I put bread in my mouth is a hamburger, or the bread sticks at Olive garden..  ( cause those things are like crack =p )  I rarely eat red meat.   To be honest with you I never really ate it as a kid, didn’t start till well into high school when I started dating and had to eat more socially.  Red meat much like bread, is not a friend of my body.   There are people that have no issues with either one of these and totally can have it as a part of a healthy diet.  I can not.  It’s a long winded way of saying.  You have to know you’re body and how it responds to food.   There is no diet  that is gonna work for anyone.  DIETS are bad.  Say it with me BAD BAD BAD.     Have you ever been on  a diet or watch a friend that has, it is always the same,they are  miserable, And if they “cheat” the world comes crashing down.  And the weight comes back on.    Which either leads to fuck it I give up or restricting to make up for the “bad eating”.    Don’t do a diet.  figure out what works for you’re body makes sure you’re eating properly, the right portions, and types of foods.   Be realistic about how and what you are eating.  Trust me when I say this, any meal eating out is a calorie buster.  especially fast food.  Just about anything save the breakfasts at most places is close to 1000 cals, in one meal.    Eating out everyone once in a while is okay, some times  you just need a hamburger and some fries.   That’s why eating  properly is such an important thing.  So you can treat yourself when you want to.  Just use common sense.   That weight didn’t all come on all at once and it’s not gonna come off all at once.  There is no quick way to get back to healthy.   Stop looking for one.

Same thing goes for working out.   If you don’t like it then you wont stick with it.  You know what I do. Ballet and Insanity.. when my body will let me.  I am so not kidding, I love insanity, it’s one of my favorite workouts ever.   The point is to be active, do what you love and your body will thank you for it.


So I just totally rambled a ton.   All I am trying to say is… Weight loss is more about being healthy then the numbers on the scale, anything that doesn’t support a healthy way of doing that  is bad in my book.     Carlene said it better then I could ever.  check out her FB post on the subject and like her.  Cause she’s awesome.



Gut punch literally

There was really nothing to prepare me for the news I received when I arrived at my post op appointment.  The surgery that was suppose to stop all that was going wrong with my body and allow me to finally move forward and reclaim my life.   I wasn’t really concern when I walked in there, but as I waited I got a knot in my tummy, I was tense and worried.     I would soon find out that I was right.  But first I need to take you back about ten years.   ( this dose contain a lot of icky women stuff… you have been warned)

A few years after Jayde was born I started having issues.  Missing periods here and there.  this progressed to unbelievable pain in my right side.  By the time we got to Fort Campbell it wasn’t uncommon for me to take multiple trips to the Er to figure out what was wrong and to get medication to control the pain.  And I was told it was so many different things. But no one really every looked farther then that.   The only real issue  I had was kidney stones.  We wanted to try for another kid and after almost  a year of trying with no baby I started to see the obgyn on post.. and yet again I was met with it’s PCOS, Its cysts, its this it’s that.  But there was never any solid proof.   In 2008 I was finally pregnant, in July of that year at 15 weeks I lost the baby.   I had what was called a missed  miscarriage,  And shortly after that I began to bleed uncontrollably, I had to have a blood transfusion and emergency surgery to stop it.  No one once question why this happened.  Didn’t even bother to look into it.   As this was going on my periods were starting to get heaver and heaver and the pain was getting worse and worse.   But they were still regular.   I got pregnant with Aryn in April of 2009.   My kidneys were horrible I spend  more then a few nights at the hospital because of it.   When I went into labor Aryn never moved down, And after 20 hours of trying  I had to have an emergency C- section.   After I had Aryn my periods went from bad to worse.  They were often debilitating.  It wasn’t uncommon for me to spend the first day or two in a daze due to blood loss, this was followed by cramps worse then labor.  Which would cause me to do nothing else but lay in bed.   It had made me become very  anemic.  It took 8 months at 650 mgs a day to get me back up to a low normal.

Now that we are up to speed.  My doctor got me in with a very good OBGYN.    Within the first visit it had been decided that  I would have surgery as soon as possible.  He had noticed that I couldn’t fully empty my bladder when I was having a U/S as part of my pre op.   I went to the bathroom several times to try to empty it, and I went but it never fully empty.   It was then he decided along with the surgery  I was already being getting, he would do some exploratory surgery and see if the bladder issues and pain in my right side were related.  He figured at most there was probably some scar tissue that was causing the issue, and had told us that before I was put under for my surgery.  After scaring the fuck out of the Anaseastalogist (spelling), everyone forget to inform him that I had a history of going into respiratory arrest while under.  But I did well and had no issues breathing once I was under.   My surgery went well and I was on my way home that day.    I noticed that I was much more swollen than I should of been.  So I knew he had to of found something or fixed something when I was under.  Sadly he had to leave before I was awake.   So we didn’t get to talk to him about what he found.     Thanks to the Great White Death.. aka the storm we got right before the polar vortex came along.   I wasn’t able to  see my doc till this week.

As so as he walked in with a stack of papers I knew something was really wrong.    The good news.  The Ablation was a success and my uterus was very healthy.  I should have any more issues with bleeding.   For those that don’t know what it is.  They destroy  the lining of your uterus so you  either wont have a period or it will be so light you’ll hardly notice.    The bad news was there were adhesion on the outside.   Two of which he was able to deal with and release.   Then came the bad news.  he discovered that my uterus was fussed to my abdomen wall.  From the very top to the very bottom.   And the fusion is so bad that the only way it can be repaired is to have a partial hysterectomy. The good news I will have all the important parts, so I wont have to take hormons.   But still I can’t get over how I have to loose a perfectly good part of my body because some one couldn’t of taken the time all those years to say, hey maybe we should look into this a little deeper.   We don’t know how it happen and when, only that it’s been going on for such a long time it’s impossible to removed.  *sighs*

We’re done having kids.   So at least it wont effect that.   But the idea of having to have yet another surgery.   In which the recovery time is so much longer, isn’t what I wanted to hear when I walked into post op.   I am looking at least a month I wont be able to work, maybe a bit longer since work for me requires a lot of standing. I’m just not a happy girl right now.


So I  didn’t realize that I posted over here and haha got some followers.   If you’re interested in Aryn’s story… Please  join me over at


    I will more then likely start posting over here again. So if you want to hear me talk about myself feel free to hang out here as well.. 

Some times things get very busy around here.


    As I am sure most special needs mommas can relate.  There are times things get very busy and it seems there isn’t  enough hours in the day.  But some how we manage to get it all done.  Last week was one of those weeks.

     When you have a child with sensory issues every day decisions become a lot harder.  Due to the all the driving I now have to do, since we’ve now added two to three days of day care a week ( more on that later) has forced me to buy a new car.  I loved my pathfinder, but my pocket book didn’t.  Side note if you need a good suv.. go for the older model pathfinders, their awesome if you don’t need to do a lot of city driving.   But back to the car.  I was spending 60 dollars a week in gas.   My husband and I came to the decision that I had to get rid of it and get something that got better gas mileage.   It had to happen right now.  We couldn’t wait.   But when you have a sensory child it gets harder.  Would Aryn like the new car?  how long would it take for her to adjust?  Is she gonna miss the sun roof that the old one had.  It has to be comfortable, it has to be warm, since we live in a area where it snows, I have to be able to see her so I can speak to her.    Lucky for me Aryn was very happy with the new car, And since I couldn’t put her in the middle like she’s rode since the day she was born, I thought she’d have a melt down.  But the new found freedom of being able to look at the window has been the best thing ever for her.  When I went to finish the paperwork the old pathfinder was still parked out front and she told me it’s Aryn’s car.  So I had to explain that it wasn’t our car anymore.  Our new car was our car.  I think she’s finnally accepted that the new car is ours.   And I wont lie.  Having a nice sedan has been awesome.  I forgot how nice they were and comfy.  I am very very happy and it seems the rest of the family is too. =)

                  Back to Aryn and day care.  Aryn started daycare back in September.  Partly because I needed to be able to go to doctors appointments and not drag her along and partly because there are no kids her age in the neighborhood.   She needed the interaction she’ll be starting preschool next year and needed to get use to how that all works.  We were very lucky to find an in home daycare that is certified.  But it was on the other side of town.  But when it comes to your kids you do what is best for them.   Miss Amy is amazing and has deal with many kids with special needs.  She adores Aryn and Aryn loves being there.   Well after I can convince her to go in the morning.

                   The thing with Aryn unlike most sensory kids ( that’s what I am calling it now) is she appears very normal a lot of the time. I hope I don’t offend but it’s important understand the next part of this.  Since her speech issues are mostly hearing related and she never really regressed it just took her a bit to catch up, it doesn’t fit the mold.  It comes as quiet a shock when she does those sensory behaviors.  Those things that make people stare at you and wonder what is wrong with your kid.  Those things that just break your heart because you know she can’t control it.  The food issue is a big one. When Aryn started daycare she refused to eat anything at daycare.  Nothing I brought nada. She’d happly drink her milk.  It took a good month to just get her to eat cereal. But when you’re not use to seeing that, the food strikes because things changed it’s really concerning.  Hell I hate it too, but I know it’s part of what’s going on and I can’t force the issue.  I can only make sure she gets enough of what she needs during the day and move on.  Or when she has a total melt down, it’s important we watch her so she doesn’t hurt herself.  she’s not violent but she gets so upset she doesn’t pay attention and runs into things or throws herself down.  And those melt downs require some one to hold her till she’s calm no matter how much she resist it. 

      But happily she’s adjusting well to daycare.  It’s help her speech so  much more then her speaking with us adults.  In the past few weeks she’s become easier to understand. she seems much calmer the days she’s home.  And she even told me the other day about how the kids had Chicken nuggets.  She didn’t eat them but she told me about it.  So there is hope eventually she’ll start eating with the rest of the kids at daycare. Amy and I believe it’s just to much sensory stimulus going on during lunch that she just can’t deal with it.  So she eats her lunch I bring her while the other kids are napping and then sleeps on the couch while the other kid sleep in the day care area.  It’s not perfect but it works.  Some days we have a wonderful transition to the car some times not so much.  But when we can’t leave daycare without a fuss it’s a big celebration. I hate having to leave her there till 5.  Since most days I don’t really need that much time.  But with sensory kids schedules are very important.  I am so happy with the progress she’s made.   We still have good days and bad days.  But the good days are getting a lot more Awesome.   Hearing her talk more is pretty much the best thing ever.  



Rebirth and moving forward.

 So the last few months have been some what of a blur for me.  I had been fairly ill and thought it was due to  a Thyroid  issue that I had in the past.   My doctor I see for ADHD decided to run some test to make sure.  Good news it wasn’t my thyroid, bad news my iron was so low she was honestly shocked I could even walk let alone function like nothing was wrong.   So I have just about being doing nothing at all since May.  Missed a number of photography club shoots in the process.  Which makes me sad. I miss shooting with those peeps.  Health has to come first. =(   But in the mean time I’ve had a bit to think about where I wanted Blackrose Photography to go in the future and what it was a really wanted to shoot. 

     The photography clubs I belong to have given me access to local models and other photographers who have been so kind to share their expertise and some times their batteries.  All of this showed me how much i really love glamour photography. I love the make up and the clothing and  building a whole shoot around an idea.    The support I have gotten from friends in the photography community  to move forward with this idea has been outstanding and so wonderful.   And I thank them.  Especially Debra and Christina.. Who seem to be my biggest cheerleaders, and amazing friends.

    The summer will be spent reading and prepping and shooting new shots to fill a portfolio worthy of the work I want to continue to do from now on.   I am extremly excited to be moving forward with all of this.

Taking some time off.

 I havn’t been doing a whole  lot lately.   My husband had some vacation time he had to take and so we’ve been vegging out and enjoying having him home.   I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about where I want things to go next year with my photography.   I did get to do some shooting over the weekend, with Fort Wayne Smug Mug.  I can’t even begin to tell you how awesome these people are.  I am still a bit intimidated by them.  But they are really the nicest group of people I’ve ever met an they are always willing to help out.  Even if I always manage to be late for the classes.   I’ve been slacking on my studying for the CCP exam.  So I think I am gonna be taking the better part of this year and study my butt off.

   I hope the holidays are treating every one well, and we’ll catch ya on the flip side.

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